Even Small Gestures Can Bring Hope to the Hopeless or Anyone

"We may not usually think that we have an effect on the lives of others, but we would be amazed at how wrong we could be. We do not need to make great contributions to the world -- just small, consistent ones to those whose lives we touch. We could help so many people by just taking the time to listen to them, comfort them or just bring them hope."

That quote is from an article that John Harricharan sent in his newsletter. I wonder how often we think that what we say or do actually can have an effect on someone. I've had people affect me in the most positively profound ways and then there have been others who have left me wondering why would someone treat another as they did.

But really, all I can do is look at myself and hope that I am making even a small positive imprint on their hearts. Sometimes all it takes is a smile. Sometimes just a small jesture. But no matter what you do, there is a chance that you will be remembered. Wouldn't you like to be remembered as someone shining their illuminous light?

Happy Birthday Brian

Brian is my brother who I haven't seen since I was around 12 years old. I completely missed growing up with him and my youngest sister. I don't even know where he is now. I don't know if he's still in California or not.

Brian was only 2 years old the last time I saw him. I have a picture of him when he was around eight. I was placed in a foster home and yet he had to stay with my abusive father. I could never understand why that happened.

I hope my brother is well now. I know he has one son, but I don't know his age. I hope to see them someday. Sooner rather than later.

Happy birthday Brian. I love you.

Busy Work

I've been pretty busy lately (even more so since July). Most of what I do is productive work. That which will move me forward a step closer to whatever goal I have set for myself.

In this article, Zen priest, teacher, and poet, Zoketsu Norman Fischer says that he does what he can do and whatever he can't do he doesn't do. Since there are only so many hours in the day, what is the point of stressing over a long to-do list? He says that maybe he'll do whatever he didn't get done later and maybe he won't. Because may there won't be a later for him.

He talks about living in the present moment and to remember that there is only one thing on the list to do at a time. And to enjoy life in the present.

I still need to work on living in the present moment in my life. Breaking the worry habit has been tough for me, but it's getting easier all the time.

Doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done can help to live a more relaxed life.

The only thing he suggests that I don't agree with for my own life is to release myself from being tired if I have a meeting to go to. Because if I'm in that meeting and I'm tired, if I get too relaxed then I'm very likely to dose off. Focusing on what the speakers are saying in the meeting can help, but having an extra cup of coffee works most of the time.

Synchronicity

Have you ever experienced synchronicity so much that you stopped being surprised by the events? Well, I still get surprised for a moment or two, but, then I realize that it means something and I hope for the next synchronistic event to happen. I almost expect it, even.

It happens to me almost daily. And each time I get a thrill because it's usually something that makes me smile.

Seven Ways to Transform Your Relationship to Stress and Anxiety

Stress and anxiety don't feel very good. At least to me they don't. Some people are addicted to it. Or rather, they are addicted to adrenaline. And yet I suffer from them anyway, which is nobody's fault by my own. Looking back through the years, it's not as bad as it used to be. The reason is probably because I've grown more spiritual which has helped me to grow more mature, too.

Things don't bother me as much as they used to and when I catch myself being bothered by something, I will usually stop myself by focusing on something else that is going to bring me peace. Oh, I don't always listen. Sometimes I'm cranky and I just don't care. That's when I need an attitude adjustment. Following the seven steps in this article, "Seven Ways to Transform Your Relationship to Stress and Anxiety" by Tom Russell, may help, too.

Breathing definitely helps. Pause and breathe. I do that a lot. Pausing helps to focus on the present moment and taking refreshing breaths is relaxing and energizing. Not getting involved in someone else's drama can also prevent stress from happening.

The last step is something I haven't tried yet. Hopefully that will never be necessary, but if it is, then it's something worth a shot.

Write From the Heart

It's much easier for me to express myself through writing when it's coming from my soul. That way I don't have to think as much. I usually free-write because that's when I know my soul is speaking through me. Of course I have to read it over and edit, but, at least I've got it down in concrete form.

I love to write. I've been doing it since before I was a teenager. I usually would write in journals or at school for English class. I never imagined that I would desire to have a career in writing. Now I think I know why. I always like the easier road to travel. And yet, I always end up taking the longest and most difficult way.

But I don't write because I'm looking to get rich. If I wanted to be rich, I wouldn't have chosen writing. Not that it can't happen, but, that's not the point. The truth is, I didn't choose writing. It actually chose me. I've practically given up on my dream to be published so many times only to feel the sense of urgency once again...and again of writing whatever I feel like getting out of my head or whatever my soul prompts me to write.

And now, I am soon to be published. Finally. No money, but, no matter. The time will come or I will die trying. Because I won't give up as long as my soul brings words to my consciousness they will always come out whether it's in journal form or a book. But, even if I never get paid to write, I will won't stop. Not unless and until my soul grows weary and my fingers can't type or hold a pencil.

edited
orginally written on another blog: May 4, 2005

Happy Birthday Anthony

Here it once again, my son's birthday. Now he's married and he's in basic training at Lackland AFB.

My daughter set the alarm on her watch for 8:44 p.m. so that she could say that 22 years ago today I had Anthony.

He was my first and my easiest to carry. He wasn't the easiest to raise because all of my kids are unique and I had to deal with certain issues differently with each of them.

Anthony has always been the most independent of my three children. We had our share of troubles when he was a teenager. Funny. Now that he doesn't live at home, my house is always clean. He just recently told me that he didn't think I wanted him to live at home. He understands better now. And even compliments me on my mothering. But I wonder if he really believes that. I hope not because it's so far from the truth. But, I guess if it's his truth then that's what he will believe.

He was a big pain at times, but thankfully he grew out of that. I don't think I was a good mother at all to him, but I am so glad that I was blessed with a son like Anthony.

I'm proud of him. He's a hard and dedicated worker and I know that whatever he ends up doing, he'll be the best that he can be. He's so smart, too. And he's always had a good head on his shoulders. He never got into drugs or alcohol.

I love you Anthony. Happy Birthday.

Dark Side of the Soul

Since most of what I write is spiritual and since I sometimes have dark, negative, mean-spirited thoughts inside of me, when I write something positive, I feel like such a fake. Because I feel everything but spiritual, I don't see how what I can be writing is the truth.

I believe it's the truth when I am feeling positive, but, not when the clouds are hovering around my soul.

It's Coming Together

I just finished reading a story which not only resonates with my life, but, also opens my eyes even more. Ever since I first noticed occurances in my life that were similar, I've been keeping a closer eye on what goes on around me and with me.

Back then, however, I didn't understand what synchronicity was and I was going nuts with all the signs and symbols I was seeing. And then it stopped...until more synchronicities began in different forms. Then I really started to pay attention and I noticed that whatever came to me, came with a spirit of peace. How can butterflies be anything but? I also saw kept seeing triangles. Usually upside down, but not always.

The more it happened, the more fascinated I became. After awhile there was no longer that great element of surprise, but, it still gave me joy. And it still does today.

April's Soul

1923 New Hampshire

Blue-Butterfly Day
by Robert Frost
It is blue-butterfly day here in spring,

And with these sky-flakes down in flurry on flurry

There is more unmixed color on the wing

Than flowers will show for days unless they hurry.

But these are flowers that fly and all but sing:

And now from having ridden out desire

They lie closed over in the wind and cling

Where wheels have freshly sliced the April mire.

I never knew this day existed until Adriana told me about it while she was looking at a greeting card site today.

From the internet search I've done, it looks like there isn't an official "butterfly day", so, I'm going to create my own. A few weeks ago I found a dying butterfly. Her body had been broken in half and her wings were torn up and so she couldn't fly. When I put my finger near her feet, she climbed on and I took her home.

April seemed to come to life when me and my daughter talked to her. She moved around more, but, we knew that it was only a matter of time.

I made her a comfortable bed with leaves and dandelions and a twig in a small box with some fake grass. She hung onto that small piece of wood until her last dying breath and her legs finally folded up. Her mangled and torn wings are still spread out showing their beauty.

So, for me and my daughter, I am making April 28 "Butterfly Day". It's the day when my daughter had a butterfly on her shoulder and when that same butterfly touched our souls. My daughter named her April because I found her in that month, she died in that month and it happens to be my daughter's middle name.

This is what April would look like without the broken wings and body. Although April's wind is broken and only half of her body remains, her beauty is the same. I honestly believe that God wanted me to see her and to bring her home with me.

Her body may be without life, but, I believe her soul is here in my house. "Butterfly" is, after all, synonymous with "soul". Now that I think about it, she is even more beautiful to me because she touched our souls in such a short time.

Only after her being with us for a few hours, my daughter said that she is like family. Yeah, I think so, too.

GeekPhilosopher Free Stock Photos

Previously published on another blog, May 13, 2005

Homeschooling My Daughter

Being useful brings me joy. I feel good when I'm contributing to the world in some way. In my case, I'm homeschooling my daughter. Not only am I teaching her, I'm also learning as well. I don't remember some things that I had learned in school. It's been a long time since I was even in college. Now, I'm relearning while teaching my daughter.

My daughter doesn't have to be exposed to a bunch of bullies who main purpose at school is to torment other children. She will have more time to concentrate on learning and she will have more confidence because she won't be around others who enjoy making fun of people.

She enjoys it, too. I've never seen her so excited to learn. It's sad that she has to hear guff from others. Her step-grandmother asks her when she's going to get her school pictures taken. I guess she's never heard of getting pictures taken at a studio before. ~rolls eyes~ The complete ignorance of people sometimes just baffles my mind.

Growth Through Pain

"The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem."
-- Theodore Rubin

When we allow our soul to guide us, our perspectives are that from a spiritual point of view. Instead of problems we look at them as challenges. With these challenges we face, we learn lessons and our ego ceases to control our lives.

When we are pain, it's a signal for us to wake up. To be aware that there may be something in our life that wants or needs to change. If we ignore the pain we are experiencing, we will continue to experience it and it may even get stronger. For growth to occur, we must move boldly through the pain.

Awareness of the Soul

Living in the moment. It's the best way for me to live. Since I don't even know if there will be another moment for me, I may as well enjoy those that I have right now. So, right now, in this moment, there is peace.

Butterflies are not only like flowers that fly in the sky. They are spiritual creatures of beauty and grace. They are a symbol of freedom, renewal, and rebirth. In Greek Mythology, butterfly means soul and Psyche. Butterflies have been a part of my spiritual journey for the past 11 years, but, I wasn't aware of this until a year ago. I've always believed that I had a soul. I just never knew what was the purpose of her existence.

God has subtle ways of getting our attention. He will keep bringing things, people, situations into our lives until we finally open our eyes. Some never do and that's their choice, but, I am one who became more aware of my soul when, everywhere I went and everywhere my daughter went, butterflies appeared. This wasn't only in the Spring or Summer months. This also happened in the coldest time of Winter.

I had begun paying attention, but it was when my daughter told me about her seeing them that I just knew that it had to be spiritual. I felt it deep inside of me. So, I began doing research on the spiritual side of these magnificant creatures.

I've never seen this website until today, but, there is still much I don't know about butterflies. I just know that when they came into my life I became aware of my soul. Thus the name, Soulfulwriter. The Butterfly Website, really helped me to understand the spirituality of butterflies.

Finding Peace

"Whenever problems seem to get the best of me, whenever I feel them closing in on me, I go to a quiet place that lies somewhere in my soul. I do not reason, analyze or think. Those will come later. I simply go. From this place of silence, I garner strength and inspiration to stand firm in the face of fire, to be calm in the midst of thunder. When I emerge, the world has not changed, but I have. And in changing, a whole new world is born."--John Harricharan

My version:

Whenever problems come my way, I find the place inside of me that is peaceful, calm, relaxing and I just let myself listen to the quietness of my soul. Sometimes she just gently tells me to shhhh and when I do, my mind lets go of those problems. When I'm calm and serenity surrounds my inner being even when I'm busy living my life, answers come to me one by one. In the calmness of my mind and soul, I find a peaceful way to move through obstacles which could otherwise produce dark clouds and thunderstorms inside my mind.

The Tiger In My Belly

She's not growling yet, but, I can sense her presence. It happens every morning when I wake up and a few times each day. She is only after one thing. Sustenance.

I've been depriving her of nourishment not because I want to but because I have to. I only have so much to give and my maternal instincts tell me to abandon my own needs.

I will not allow my child to go without. I can afford to skip a meal or two if it means leaving more for my daughter. She needs the nutrition more than I do. I eat. Only less than normal.

My daughter coined that phrase at home. Ever since she could talk, that's how I'd know she was hungry. When the tiger would growl, she'd say, "Mommy, there's a tiger in my belly."

She's not growling, but, if I don't feed her soon, I'll hear her loud and clear. I cana feel her though. She brings pain to let me know ahead of time. I think I have some oatmeal. Or, I could make tortillas. I don't eat much meat. That's about all my daughter likes. Well, that and junk food.

Her father didn't pay child support this weekend. That's why I have to do without. Plus, I don't have a job. Nobody wants to hire me. I'm tired of depending on him, because the truth is, I can't. I never know when he is going to help support our daughter. They aren't close and I have a feeling that one day soon, he won't be coming over at all. She won't want him to and he won't act like he cares.

Soon-to-be Published

I just received word from the editor of Women at Heart. She told me that the piece that I wrote will be published in the ezine soon.
By the information she gave me, it'll probably be published in about two weeks. Those of you who have signed up, I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am and I hope you enjoy what I wrote. And thank you.
If you want to know more, sign up and read the messages. It's aimed at women, so, I don't know if any guys would care to sign up. I may post it here after it's been published. I retain the rights, so, that won't be a problem.

*Note*: I'm re-publishing this post here, because I'm proud of it.

Previously published on another blog, Thursday, May 19, 2005

Monkey Business

From an email I got today: "Diana, let's play."

Okay. I'm game.

I must have seen references to that word, "play" at least ten times today. And they all were about enjoying life. Yeah. It's got to be a sign.

Monkeys love to play a lot. I saw a movie the other day with Brad Pitt. Something about 12 Monkeys. And time travel. One of my favorite subjects, even though I'm a skeptic about it. I've been seeing and hearing references to monkeys a lot lately, too.

It's driving me bananas.

Dreaming Butterflies

Well, not literally. I didn't see any butterflies in my dream, but, I think I was talking about the book I'm writing which does talk about them.

I don't remember much about the dream but I remember that it was winter and I lived in the old neighborhood where two people were killed within two weeks of each other (which is the reason I left).

I also remember being dropped off at a corner near that neighborhood.

When I moved out almost three years ago it was also wintertime.

When I woke up, I was thinking about me giving copies of the book to people I know. Like my sister for instance. And a woman I told years ago that I was going to write a children's book about butterflies and then dedicate it to her as well as my son and his girlfriend.